It's Time!

OMG! How fast did these 2 weeks fly by? I am 10 hours away from going to the hospital and a little less than 12 hours away from the actual surgery. For the record, I’ve been mildly freaking out today....so much so that I made Alex help me rearrange our living room. (Yup....that's stress!)

This part of the journey has been something. The worrying, the hunger, the frustration...you name it, I've felt it. And yet throughout this process, I can't help but feeling humbled the most. That must sound weird, I'm going through a HUGE life changing surgery and yet I can't help but feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. Today, I posted on my facebook a status update that basically said "OMG!!!! 1 day!!!" and I received 19 comments in less than an hour! I posted again a few hours later to comment about my 12 hour mark and again received almost 20 comments! WOW.

You have all shared your stories, fears, support and love with me and for that I am thankful. So, this post is all about my saying thank you. I really could not have gotten through these past few weeks without all of you. Please keep the positivity and love coming this way. This journey has only just begun, and I know that I am going to continue to need all of you. Much love.

On another quick note; in 2 weeks I have lost 14 pounds. Sitting at 281. Here are a few pictures of me today.

I guess, in the end, this is it! Am I mourning food, one of my best friends, greatest confidants, and the best therapist? Hell yea I am. Am I tired because I have nothing but liquid in my system? Check on that as well. However, at this moment, I have a sort of peace with it all. Of course I'm scared. I have NO idea what is coming! If I wasn't afraid I would be abnormal. But in the end this is the first day of the rest of my life isn't it? A life that is going to be filled with energy, filled with love, filled with feeling beautiful, and (hopefully) filled with my dream of being a Roller Derby Girl! (I know random, but I wouldn't be able to do it right now and I SO want to! I've obsessed over it for the past 3 years...but that's a different story for a different day.)

All I know is that I can no longer be afraid of what I do not know. This surgery is going to go amazingly well. I know that, you know that and my surgeon is positive of that. So, all I can do now is trust in my doctors and nurses to do the absolute best work that they can do. Whatever happens from here is going to happen, so no regrets, no fears, and no tears.

So, with that I'm off! Wish me luck. ;-)

3 days and counting...

Monday is fast approaching and I am freaking out a little bit more each day. I keep having these moments....they are not long and they don't even last a few seconds....but I keep thinking, I don't need this. I can do this on my own. Who wants surgery anyway? In the end I am FULLY aware of the power of fear, and that is all this is. This surgery is going to change my life! It's totally worth it!

Today was my last day at work with my co-workers. I'm going to be in the office tomorrow to help out with a shoot, but otherwise I'm done. I'm on a 2 week "vacation". WOW! How time flies. I just finished my testing, or so I thought. I didn't expect all of this to move so quickly. I really thought that over 6 months of prepping would take longer. Maybe like 2 years or so. LOL. But none the less, in 3 days I will be undergoing major surgery and I have to say, the outcry of support that I have received has been amazing.

I received an email today about a healing group that I participate in. Every month they send out a list of people who need healing and you meditate and send them some healing energy to aid them through whatever they are going through. It's a really nice program. Well, today's list came for this month and I was at the top of the list! I had no idea that anyone would put me on that list....and I was truly honored. I've been so blessed to have my friends and family come out and share stories, insecurities, and strengths with me. I'm hoping to be able to return the favor one day.

So, with 3 days left, I am left scared, excited and humbled. Thank you for all of your love, and keep on sending that positivity my way. It's helping more than you all know.

Stay with me...."I'll be back" ;-)

Breathing Tubes

Sorry for the delay.  I thought I had already posted this.  I present you with the infamous breathing tube (it's called a incentive spirometer) that they give you when you have surgery. The idea is that you will inhale slowly trying to keep the small ball on the right between the 2 arrows.  Apparently it forces you to think about how you are breathing. Also, it is helpskeep your lungs healthy and avoid pneumonia. That is a BIG DEAL! No one wants that.

So I breathe into the tube and will use it every day for every breath if I have to. Pneumonia be damned!

Staying on the Wagon.

I have to go back to my usual taping location. Sorry about the graininess of this one.

Parties and Mourning

This weekend presented me with my first food test… and I barely survived.

On Saturday, my whole family gathered at my mother’s house to celebrate my sister Violet and our Uncle Henry's birthdays. My mother put together a beautiful spread. Cheese platter with salami, a HUGE veggie platter, chicken wings, steak tips, shrimp, bread with butter and... OMG my mouth is watering just thinking about it!

My mother even waited until everyone showed up to begin cooking everything. In that moment, I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through the day. I was ready to go home... or eat a bunch of chicken wings! What I did was leave the kitchen, and sit in the living room, by myself. So not only did I have to seperate myself from my whole family, but I sat on a chair and stared at a TV I could barely hear. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Once the food was put away I was relatively ok. (I helped put the cheese plate away just so I could lick my fingers and get a taste of the cheese.)

So sure, I passed my first test, however Sunday was almost as bad as Saturday, if not worse.

I've read a number of times that people who have Gastric Bypass Surgery end up mourning food. Food is supposedly a friend and a family member to them... and when I read this I thought it was ridiculous. It didn't take me long to think about it a little more and realize how much my life revolved around food. Whenever I hang out with my friends I suggest we go out to eat. When friends come over, we plan a meal, or snacks. When we go to a friends home we plan food or drinks to bring! Now I can't do that. Now I need to be able to sit in a room filled with foods that I thoroughly enjoy and miss but not eat any of it.

So yeah, I was REALLY down on Sunday. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I felt super depressed. I couldn't figure out why until late in the day. We went to our weekly "family night" where we hang out with friends and I realized I missed eating with people. I missed staying in the kitchen and munching on stuff while I talked. I missed my glass (or 3) of wine. I miss every aspect of food! Staying home curled in my blanket sounded like a WONDERFUL plan.... for the next few weeks. All because of how much I wanted something to chew.

This is something I'm obviously going to have to get over. Luckily, I have 9 more weeks of this to help me get used to it.

Aren't you jealous?

My surgery date and time.

OMG! We are getting so close now. I just got out of some pre-op testing and have the time of my surgery. So Monday, January 18th at 7:30am I am having Gastric Bypass surgery. I will be at Wincester Hospital in Winchester, MA and I am FREAKING OUT! More on all of this later.

Please send all of your prayers, healing energy and happy healthy thoughts my way.

Sick and Tired!

And now I have killer heartburn!  Tommorrow should be a much better day.  Stay Tuned!

Dr. Visits, pudding and the scale.

Yesterday I went to see my surgeon. The visit lasted over an hour and a half. Quite long! However, it was extremely educational. What I learned was the surgery is going to be a piece of cake.... excuse the food reference...but post-op will not be so easy.

Again, I go in for surgery on Monday, January 18th. On Tuesday and Wednesday I will still be in the hospital. I will not be allowed to drink or eat anything, which makes sense. My stomach is getting cut and my intestines are being moved...I found out that I WILL have to have a catheter put in at night though. Ummm..ouch. No me gusta. I didn't even know about that. How did I miss that in all of the blogs and talking to everyone? Oh because no one tells you the bad stuff!

So, Thursday I am supposed to go home, but only AFTER I have sipped down some water in a medicine cup to make sure I can keep it down. If I can’t handle the water, I can’t go home.

Oh, I almost forgot, while I'm in the hospital I need to use a special tube to make sure that I take deep breaths. I don't know much about this process but be assured; as I learn more at my pre-op testing appointment on Monday, January 11th I will fill you in. I'm telling you, this ride becomes more and more interesting.

When I do get to go home, I'm going to be on clear liquids at least until the weekend. Staying hydrated is going to be the most important thing I can do. Apparently that is going to be really tough. Many people end up re-hospitalized because they don't drink enough water post-op. So...that's what I'm going to focus on. Who cares if I'm hungry as long as I drink my water? Right?

These are mostly things that I should have expected but no one ever told me about. I don't know why I never thought about some of these things. They just never occurred to me. But all in all, the appointment went really well. They are impressed with my attitude, general knowledge of after care and my dedication to do this right.

On a different note, I'm testing out so many different foods; I thought I would share something else that I enjoyed. I found a sugar free pudding made by Jell-O that is Dulce de Leche. OMG! It's the best pudding I've ever eaten. I have to say that it's nice to have something that I thoroughly enjoy. Didn't expect that...nor did I expect that when I went to my Dr.'s appointment, the scale would be in the same place as it was in May of 09. I lucked out and didn't gain a single pound, despite my eating everything that I will not be able to have for years. Crazy!

And, the saga continues.

Stay tuned.

OMG I have to pee!

So today was the first day of my liquid diet. I had every intention of weighing myself and measuring myself this morning and forgot, so that will begin tomorrow. However let me share my "interesting" day.

How many of you have ever been on a liquid diet? Even for 1 day? OMG! I think I spent most of my day in the bathroom at work than actually working! I will say this, I don't mind the protein shakes. I drank 4; 8oz. servings of protein shakes, 1 half cup serving of sugar free pudding, 1 half cup serving of sugar free Jello, and 8 oz. of really tasty organic free range chicken broth. If you need to be on liquids only, you MUST spend the money on the good broth. SO worth it.

I did find myself lightheaded for a portion of the day today, which is scary. I'm hoping that as time goes on I get better at measuring what I need and what I don't. I'm told that will come with time. Additionally, I NEED to begin the process of writing down everything that goes into my mouth. This is going to take some time, but I'm hoping that I can master this in 2 weeks by my surgery date.

On that note....I'm off to get to the bathroom! Liquids go right through you!

UPDATE:  I forgot to metion.  Todays weight is 295lbs.  Check out the video above.

A New Year and a New Journey

Welcome to 2010, the year my life changes.


On January 18, 2010 I am having Gastric Bypass Surgery. My story is long and drawn out, but I'll try to summarize. I've been overweight my whole life. So much so, my Dr. prescribed Weight Watchers when I was 10 years old! Can you imagine how traumatizing that was? Since then I have dieted every year of my life, sometimes succeeding and always gaining it all back...and then some. Today I'm 29. I have huge issues with body image and a really strange relationship with food. I also have crappy genetics, following in the footsteps of my father and his birth mother; destined to be big, have diabetes and heart disease.

Wow, what a fun future to look forward to.  It's time to fight against the genetics, the love of food and the continuous diets.  I will begin my new life, one of a potentially healthy adult in 2 weeks. I've lost a majority of my youth to all of this and am hoping to enjoy my 30's as a healthy, attractive woman. I'm going to do my best to blog every day and will keep a food journal and videos to go with this. I really hope that my journey helps someone else who is thinking about, currently in the process of, or supporting someone who has had gastric bypass surgery.

Stay Tuned.