Who Are You?

I have been away for too long.

So much has happened and I don't have enough space to tell you about all of it. Let's start at the beginning...it has been 1 year and 11 months since my Gastric Bypass Surgery. My peak weight loss has been getting down to 150 for a total loss of 145lbs. (Almost as much as I weighed at that moment!) I am currently sitting at 170lbs. What is scary is that I've gained 20lbs since I hit my peak weight loss and at least half of it has to do with medication. It's tough to know that there is almost nothing I could do to take some of that weight off...it's just there...until I'm off the meds.

What are these meds that I need to take now. Birth Control. That's right, I'm on the pill again after 11 years! There are a number of reasons that people go back onto the pill, heavy periods, bad cramps, ridiculously bad clotting, and birth control. Since I wrote last I've gone through MANY changes...but the biggest is that I got a divorce.

That's right...Alex and I broke up after over 5 and a half years. She was such a source of support and encouragement for me. She made me feel good about who I was and where I was going. But I had fallen out of love with her...and needed to make sure that we were both going to love and be loved the way that we deserved. In June I breached the subject of breaking up and in September our divorce was final.

For the record, I love Alex and want NOTHING but the best for her...but I am not in love with her and I haven't been for some time.  Alex is amazing.  Everyone who meets her loves her, and I miss her every day.  I miss my friend, I miss my companion, and I miss my confidant.  But I do not miss Alex, my lover.  Luckily, we have a number of mutual friends and we still have a fur child to take care of, so I hear from and about her from time to time.  Alex, if you read this, I am happy that you are doing well and I honestly want nothing more than for you to be happy.  I'm sorry that I was not the person who you needed me to be.

To add some confusion to all of this, I am also in a new relationship.  I think that I was finally ready to find my other half, and although I was not looking for anyone to come into my life, this man side swiped me and my heart.  I have a boyfriend.

That's right world, I said boyfriend.

This person could have been anyone.  Please do not think that I left a woman because I needed to be with men.  I was with an amazing person for a long time...and I happened to find yet another amazing person who made my heart sing.  This second individual could have been a man or a woman, it just happened to be a man.  What I will say is that THIS man is very supportive, understands my past and my surgery circumstances, and has fallen in love with me.....and I with him...even though I have saggy extra skin and the face of a 16 year old boy.

OH YEAH! Did I mention that when I turned 31 in June I developed Cystic Acne? Awesome.

SO all of this sounds pretty bad...and seems to have NOTHING to do with my surgery. Well, in some ways you are right. But, I'm a confident woman now. The Lindsay of 2 years ago...fat Lindsay...would not have left Alex in order to be happy. I had become content with being ok. I had become content with the fact that I would never be 100% happy. I could live with only being happy 80%. That is NOT the way anyone should ever live. If I hadn't had my surgery I still would have come to that conclusion, just not as quickly. I would have stayed with Alex, and had a decent life where I was just ok...but not truly soulfully happy. Everyone needs to follow their heart, and a wise friend of mine told me that "Matters of the heart blondie, you can never control matters of the heart." And it's true.

At the end of all of this, anyone thinking about having gastric bypass, anyone supporting those having gastric bypass, think about where you are now and KNOW undoubtedly that it will change. I am not saying that everyone who has surgery will leave their loved ones...I'm not saying anything of the sort But what I am saying is that you are going to change. You are going to change in ways that you didn't think were humanly possible. Your boundaries, your fundamental beliefs, your ID can and will change. Be prepared...and have the a system around you to support you through this change.

Don't be afraid of who you are, who you were, or who you become. No one can be anyone other than themselves...and YOU are amazing.